Surrender At Any Age

It almost did not happen. I have bad arthritis in my joints. Sometimes, especially in cold weather, my limbs feel numb and stiff. It takes a daily morning routine of stretching exercises to get me going. But, here I was, at the famous Ripley Grier Studios in New York City, where la crème de la crème of Broadway, the ballet and opera world rehearse before their moments on stage, here I was, daring to take my first tango class.

Walking up and down the aisles, I felt like a kid in a candy store, watching dancers, actors, kid performers with their stage mothers, and singers, practicing their moves. As I looked on, exciting as it was, I could not avoid my feelings of dread as I made my way to my tango class.

My instructor must have perceived the panic written all over my face for she was instantly sympathetic and reassuring. But still, I felt like the odd woman out. What was I doing here?

It had been decades since I practiced ballet, I had not hit the dance floor in ages, and I had grown timid and insecure about making any dance moves. Stiffness was the overriding feeling. Or so I thought.

And then I listened to the music that I remembered since my childhood. Tango! Slowly my feet started to move, my body clumsily followed, coordination was difficult, and as a type-A personality, having to let go and allowing someone to control my moves was mortifying. I do not necessarily like being a follower.

I lived most of my childhood in a cookie-cutter house in one of the blandest, most non-descript, middle-class suburbs in all of San Juan, Puerto Rico. There were doors that led to nowhere and windows forever closed. A miserable childhood. My father hid behind his legal writings and his constant reading; he was emotionally unavailable. My mother was an intelligent, but unhappy woman, pious and for the most part, sad. She took refuge in listening to Gardel, Magaldi, Hugo del Carril, Libertad Lamarque, Julio Sosa, and Roberto Goyeneche, as she sang along with her paperback book of tango music. As a child, I always tried to sing along, and to this day, I remember the lyrics to so many of the songs.

Fast forward, and here I am, actually on the dance floor enlivening through movements those lyrics I remember so well, as I moved to this pulsating, dramatic rhythm.

Tango is a dance of passion. Its music is sensual, sad, melancholic, mysterious, and soul-filled. The moves are very much about connection and collaboration with a partner. Dancing tango has been a challenge that I have embraced with the ardor of a true believer.

It has been two years since I first set foot on the tango studio, and yet every session still exhilarates me. I am still totally enamored of this music that I first listened to as a child, and in every class, my goal is to allow myself to totally surrender to the tango experience. As we say in Spanish “una entrega total.”